I think I'm Abusive - is there Help for Abusers?

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I had no idea if I even wanted to or could handle visiting her at this point. Typically some form of therapy is needed to fully recover from severe emotional abuse.

I think I'm Abusive - is there Help for Abusers?

Emotional abuse also called psychological abuse is all too often seen as less important or less serious than physical abuse. This happens for a number of reasons. Firstly, emotional abuse leaves no physical scars and so is harder to recognize. You get sympathy for a black eye or broken arm, but if you are hurting on the inside passers by and even close family members may not notice. Emotional abuse is every bit as serious a problem as physical abuse. In fact, its consequences can be deeper and more wide reaching. Almost always, the effects of emotional abuse can take longer to heal than all but the very worst of physical injuries. Emotional abuse can occur in a variety of contexts. It can occur between couples, and can take the form of a man emotionally abusing a woman or the other way around. It can also occur between homosexual couples, or between family members. Then it can also be seen in the workplace, where a boss of colleague can abuse another, in schools both by teachers and or peers , in residential homes for the elderly or the disabled and any other situations where people interact on a regular basis. Emotional abuse can be difficult to understand, but in reality it is any type of abuse that affects a person emotionally. It may or may not be coupled with physical, sexual or financial abuse. Emotional abuse may involve name calling and other forms of verbal abuse, belittling, manipulating or intimidating. An abusive partner or person may seem to never be happy with what you do or say, no matter how hard you try. Emotional abuse is so dangerous because it can cause real damage to the psyche. As emotional abusers frequently use their abuse to isolate the victim from family and friends, the effects of the abuse deepen as the support network disappears. Once this type of destruction of confidence and personality has taken hold, victims are less likely to be able to recognize the abuse for what it is and to seek help or to report it. Emotional abuse takes various forms. To better see exactly what emotional abuse is, it may be helpful to look at three types of abusive behavior within this category. Emotional abuse is similar but not the same as. Aggression Forms of abuse that come under this category include threatening, ordering, name calling, belittling and accusing. Aggressive emotional abuse is perhaps easier to spot and qualify than the less obvious forms. An outsider who witnesses this type of abuse will probably see it for exactly what it is, but the victim may be so destroyed by continual abuse that she herself can not. However, many abusers keep this type of emotional abuse behind closed doors, so outsiders will rarely get to see what is actually going on. Aggressive abuse seeks to belittle and demean the victim as a means of controlling their actions and feelings. Aggressive emotional abuse can also involve less obvious abuse. If you feel you are being judged all the time and found wanting in a relationship, it points to subtle emotional abuse. Denying Denying is a very common pattern of emotional abuse. An abuser not only denies his abuse to the victim, claiming that he never said the words she sees as hurtful, but also is often in denial himself. He can become so used to verbally or emotionally abusing the victim that the abuser simply no longer registers his own behavior…or simply does not want to confront it and recognize that he is the one with the problem. Withholding is another way in which an abuser in denial may emotionally harm his victim. He may also withhold physical comforts such as food, warmth or precious objects. However, when this takes place in a normal relationship it is short term and has happened for a reason, in emotional abuse it can be more protracted and harmful. Finally, countering may take place. This is when an abuser counters an idea or opinion that his victim may have, refusing to accept any viewpoint that is different from his own. Minimizing The third form of emotional abuse commonly seen is minimizing. It is similar to denial, but more subtle. Rather than deny that an abusive event or conversation ever took place, the abuser will claim that his words were misinterpreted by his victim. He may tell her she is too sensitive, or took his words the wrong way. This can be very destructive for the victim as it is yet another way of throwing her into confusion and disbelief of her own perceptions. Trivializing Even more subtle but still dangerous is trivializing. This occurs when an abusive person tells his victim that what they think and feel are unimportant. Understanding emotional abuse Emotional abuse can be self perpetuating. A person who has grown up in an emotionally abusive household is more likely than a person who has had an emotionally healthy upbringing to become either an abuser or a victim of emotional abuse. The first situation can occur because a child from an emotionally abusive family has simply no understanding of what constitutes healthy relationships. He has had no role model other than an abusive one, so when he begins to forge adult relationships of his own he applies the only rules of behavior that he knows. He does not recognize or regret his actions because he sees them as normal. The second situation occurs for similar reasons. A child who has been emotionally abused or seen another family member abused is at greater risk of being a victim of emotional abuse in later life. She is also at risk of becoming a victim as her self confidence has already been reduced and her personality become vulnerable. It could also be that she actively seeks out a relationship with an abusive person, finding a mistaken kind of comfort in the familiar. If a person has always been controlled by another, she may have no inner strength developed to make her own decisions and seek direction at all times from her partner. Victims of emotional abuse commonly feel angry, bewildered, powerless, hurt and frightened. Perhaps strangely, abusers also frequently feel the same emotions and this is what drives them to abuse. If a person feels powerless, he attempts to gain power through emotional abuse. If he has lost self confidence though his own emotionally abusive upbringing, he may seek to redress the balance by exerting control over his partner in order to validate himself. Often, a hierarchy of relationships can be established, and things can become complicated and difficult to understand. This can often be seen in schoolyard bullying. A child who is emotionally abused at home becomes a bully towards another child at school in an attempt to regain the power and self confidence that has been knocked out of him within his family. If you can see clearly the pattern of behavior throughout your relationships you have a better ground for recovery. If you constantly tell yourself that you are worthless or stupid, you are reinforcing the abuse and validating it. You should understand that emotional abuse is not justified, ever. You have the right to receive clear and informative answers to questions about anything that is legitimately your concern. However, this is just as difficult as changing from being physically abusive and almost always requires professional help. If your abusive partner continues to place some of the blame on you he is not committed to change. Many domestic violence helplines can advise and support even if there is no physical abuse threatened or taking place. Types of Abuse Not all abuse is emotional. There are plenty of things that you can do if you are suffering from emotional abuse. Firstly, you need to really accept that you are not to blame. The fault lies firmly and squarely with your abuser. However, you may subconsciously be encouraging the abuse, so try to be positive in your thinking about yourself. A confronted abuser is likely to be in denial, and will argue strongly that the abuse is your fault not theirs. Being ready for these responses enables you to stand firm and to reiterate what you know is right. If necessary, say your piece and then ask the abusive person to take time to go away and think about what you have said. However, it is also necessary to understand that there are no quick fixes. An abusive person needs time to change and the process is always painful and requires commitment. You do not have to be suffering physical attacks to enlist help from these sources. Emotional and verbal abuse is just as dangerous as physical abuse, and the help is offered to sufferers of all kinds of domestic abuse. You can also decide to leave the abusive work environment and find another job. A strong support group of peers can help greatly. If this is not available to you, try talking to a teacher or to your parents or other trusted adults in your circle. There are also anti bullying organisations and hotlines that can offer experienced and expert help and advice. Remember: You are not the first or only person to have experienced verbal abuse even if you feel isolated. Help is there for you. You will be taken seriously. Treatments for victims of domestic abuse often involve counselling to help them to recover their self confidence. Mental health professionals are trained to help you find the right treatment. Peer groups of sufferers are also very helpful, allowing victims to share experiences and help each other. Writing down your experiences and feelings can also be cathartic, as can joining internet groups of fellow sufferers. What to do if you suspect someone you know is being emotionally abused The type of action that you should take varies according to the individual circumstances. If the victim is a child and the abuse is taking place at school, your first port of call should be the head teacher or a teacher with direct responsibility for that child, such as a class teacher or student mentor. However, if you suspect that a child is being verbally abused within his family, it is a little more complex. If you have a very strong relationship with a close family member, it may be possible to moot the topic, but families can be complicated and defensive for a number of reasons. It may be better to take advice from the professionals through helplines or your family doctor. If the abused person is a friend, and the abuse is taking place within a marriage or an intimate relationship, you can try getting them to talk to you about the problem. If they do so, listen and offer support. Respect her opinions and feelings. You can offer physical support, such as a safe place to stay should she decide to leave the abusive partner. You could also provide her with contacts for organisations that could help and let her use your telephone or computer to make contact in safety. Resources for victims of emotional abuse Gaining a good understanding of emotional abuse is useful. The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself. New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1992. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond. Holbrook, Massachusetts: Bob Adams, Inc. To find counselling and support The list below is not comprehensive, but provides links to known available help. For local help, internet search your state, province or county. These organisations should not ask for money in return for help. If any do, search again for charities and organisations that offer the help for free. In general, domestic violence agencies and helplines are happy to offer help for victims of emotional abuse of all types whether or not it involves physical violence or threats of violence. Also run one day courses for children who have been severely bullied. The link allows you to find your nearest service. Contains many links to help. Sexual Violence Legal AdviceLine: 020 7251 8887 phone or 020 7490 2562 textphone Mondays 11am-1pm and Tuesdays 10am-12 noon.

But you've been so focused on what you don't like about their behavior that you haven't noticed what you don't like about your own. She is also at risk of becoming a victim as her self confidence has already been sincere and her personality become vulnerable. And appear nothing but supportive to those around you. RESPECT see below can provide you with a full list of either programmes or professionals in your area. I've had anger management issues since I was very young. However, doing it alone may be prime.